Every couple probably has been asked, “How are you as a couple during the lockdown?“
At an average, a working spouse is at home only twice a week – that’s 8 times every month and 48 days every 365 days – that is if they stay home and not spend the days off outside for leisure, sidelines, or community work.
Only forty-eight days in one year (plus the vacation leaves) – that’s very little. It’s even worse for those who work six days a week. That’s why I thought married couples would welcome the idea of a work-from-home.
Apparently, many married couples are not enjoying the extended time together. I’ve read blogs about couples fighting and divorce rates increasing. It’s a sad surprise for me.
Lockdown marriage
The last 3 months gave us a preview of what retirement looks like sans the work. As my wife and I are pondering why we seem to enjoy the extended stay at home, we thought maybe because our relationship has already been on a ‘lockdown’ setup for years now.
I mean, spending a long time with each other is not really new. About 4 years ago, I gave up 90% of my activities that consume my time after work, including weekends.
Our marriage is not spared from conflicts, but to be honest, I can’t remember when was the last time we had a fight, and what was that about.
Let me share some of the reasons why I think our relationship clicks during the lockdown:
We give each other space
She knows the type of work I do. I allowed her to understand the highs and lows at work – what causes stress and pressure, and what would enable me to deliver on or beyond expectations. Though it is challenging in a home setup, she gives me space to allow me to focus properly at work. She avoids things that would distract me.
I also give her the space she needs to do what she loves doing – baking is one of them. And while she’s at it, I’ll be in-charge with the kids.
Knowing the importance of momentum is essential to give your partner the needed space and time.
We recognize outlets
She knows that blogging is close to my heart. It is my outlet to unwind from work stress. It is one of many ways I can sustain a good mental approach to everything I do. So she recognizes the need for time to do that – even if it’s ‘just’ a hobby.
For her, it’s the time with her friends online.
We plan and schedule everything
Planning is always essential. If we plan things at work or in the community, why not plan things at home too?
We live with the most important people in our lives at home, so it is just right to ensure that we are responding to their needs accordingly.
Above is my schedule this week. By writing my activities in a table, it gives me the consciousness of where I put my time the most. It allows me to manage my energy better because it avoids surprises. It also takes care of my momentum to do more in less time.
WORK easily takes the biggest part of the day and it is what it is. So I make sure that the next big part in my schedule is time spent with the family (yellow colors). The time for myself is the least. MANY, many people always assume that I am busy with a lot of stuff. Yes, I am. I am busy with the most precious people in my life.
Do not underestimate the value of scheduling. It does wonders. Kids, after all, are the biggest work to attend to – they are the real work.
We talk A LOT
We talk a lot even when I’m at the office, so it’s not an issue now that we’re together longer in a day. If you look at the schedule again, we have reserved a date night every Tuesday. Since we’re in lockdown, we don’t go out. We just find that time to sit and talk about how we were as a partner in the last week. The accountability to each other and to God makes it easier to commit to being corrected in times we drift away from our roles.
We delegate tasks between the two of us
In addition to understanding our roles as husband and wife, we also make sure that tasks are delegated between the two of us. We divide tasks by interest, knowledge, and weight, not by gender. At the end of the day, every decision has to be talked about.
We respond to our love languages
Whenever love language is fulfilled, the relationship blossoms even more. Knowing your spouse’s love language ensures that you are expressing, giving, and receiving love in a genuine and thoughtful way.
There are 5 love languages – quality time, words of affirmation, acts of service, affection or physical touch, and gifts. You can learn more about these through the book by Gary Chapman. You can buy one from Amazon for only AED51.
We commit to discipleship
Ever since we introduced our 7-year old into discipleship, we committed to do it 4 times a week – that’s her preference by the way. Discipleship (EFAD – Every Family A Discipleship group), is a time where we discuss stories from the bible. Sometimes we use other books or online materials too. At the end of each session, we ensure that she has a takeaway that would be valuable to her character and role in the family.
Her interest spills to her own time that she writes those points that gave her an impact in a journal.
We also have our own bible reading time every night. We keep seeking God’s word because we believe it is the only guide that matters when it comes to steering the marriage. We ensure that we look at things from a spiritual and practical perspective at all times. In the end, it is always a question of, “what would God say?” about our actions and decisions.
We enjoy home
As the play nature of the kids got restricted to indoors, we have to improvise ways to keep the boredom away. The home is a big playground. We try to respond to their recreational needs by just being there to play, dance, and really just jump in the bed with them.
If you can, try buying low-cost toys to ‘bring the playground to home,’ like this slide that cost only 95 dirhams in Amazon. We bought one for the 1-year old, as recommended by a friend.
Make your partner your top critique
One of the conversation starters in our relationship is critique. I’ll ask her what she thinks about my work or my blog. And she does the same about her recipes and cakes. We critique each other’s parenting approach too, and when we do, it’s always about highlighting what’s good, or if there are ways to make it better next time.
It’s all about communication
Before we get married, didn’t we say we want to spend the rest of our lives together? I think this lockdown is the reality of that desire.
It will never be perfect, but if there’s really good communication in place – vertical and horizontal – everything can just be a matter of planning, talking, and walking the talk.
